Episode 8 - Getting Uncomfortable, People Pleasing, and Becoming Powerful with Amanda Kelly
[INTRODUCTION]
[00:00:01] LA: Welcome to the Positively Charged podcast. I'm a certified coach who's innately curious and loves discussing life, work, family, and everything in between. My guests and I are sharing how we step into our power and live a positively-charged life. Let's dive in.
[00:00:15] LA: Welcome, welcome to another episode of Positively Charged with me, myself, Lindsay Austin, and my beautiful cast, Amanda Kelly. So grateful that you're here. And that's my announcer voice.
[00:00:30] AK: Yay! I know. I was like nervous.
[00:00:33] LA: All of a sudden, she's introducing me. And now the nerves set in. I'm so grateful to have Amanda Kelly here as my guest. And she is my teacher. Now friend. Absolutely look up to this person. And I'm just so grateful that she's spending her time with me today. So I know, dear listeners, you are going to love her musings. And we will link all the areas that you can find Amanda. We’ll talk about that near the end. But just a little PSA, go follow her on Instagram. It's absolutely amazing. And go link up to her podcast, Made to Be Messy, which I will link in the show notes. I won't say too much about Amanda because I want to hear it from her own voice. But Amanda, welcome. And please start by telling us a bit about yourself.
[00:01:20] AK: Okay, thank you so much for that. I was like, “You know what? No, you talk about me instead.” It sounds better than when I talk about me.
[00:01:30] LA: I couldn't disagree more. I couldn't disagree more. I think hearing it from your voice is just even more epic.
[00:01:37] AK: Well, I'm so excited to be here. And I'm Amanda. It’s so funny this happens and I’m like, “What do I even say about myself?” It's weird when I hear people call me their teacher because I'm like, “Oh, God, I'm like very much a student of life.” What do you want to know?
[00:01:56] LA: That's what makes you the teacher, by the way. Those who are students teach the best, I think. I would love for you to just tell us a bit about how you came to be sitting where you're sitting right now. What is your journey looked like?
[00:02:12] AK: Oh! Oh! Ugh! It’s like, “Here we go. Boom!” First of all, my, like slogan, I thought that I came up with this. And then I saw it floating around the Internet one day, and I was like, “Did I not invent that saying?” But I love this saying, like, “Your mess is your message.” And I've always kind of like that's been my bumper sticker of life.
So I'm 31-years-old. I run a yoga teacher training business. And this is important when you look at like where I've come from. So I run a yoga teacher training business, which means I train people to become yoga teachers, which is just putting it really lightly. It feels like it's a lot more than that. But I got into yoga in university. It was like a requirement in one of my classes. It was called Movement Class, which like, in university, when you have a class called movement, you're thinking like it’s gym. It’s gym class.
[00:03:07] LA: Sounds like gym to me.
[00:03:08] AK: I’m like, “I'm going to be so good at this class.” And I did this movement class, and we would do like yoga. But I didn't realize that what we were doing. I just thought we were breathing and stretching weird. And halfway through the semester, my teachers met with me and they said, “Listen.” They sat me down. And they said, “You're failing movement.” And I was like, “Okay, great. What am I going to tell my parents? I'm failing movement?” They're like, “You're failing movement. And we think you should drop out of the program. Like we don't think that this is for you. You're very disconnected from your body.”
And so I was absolutely embarrassed. I was crushed. And I dropped out of school. Because, I forget it. I'm like, “I just failed gym class of university.” So I dropped out of school. Decided I hated yoga, hated movement. And I went to work in Disney World for a year, which is super random. And I came back from Disney World after a year of partying and drinking, and I just felt really lost and really just yucky. And I was living at home with my parents. And I was 21-years-old. And I was like, “What am I going to do with my life?”
And my aunt brought me to a yoga class. And it was Bikram hot yoga. And I didn't know at the time that yoga was like you could do it not hot. I thought it was like the point was to do it really hot and to die. And so I went to this Bikram hot yoga class, and I threw up after the class. And I thought, “This must be a part of the yoga class, too.”
[00:04:35] LA: Public service announcement. Everybody throws up after Bikram the first time.
[00:04:39] AK: And there was like a carpet. And the teacher wears like a microphone. And I remember getting up to leave the class because I was like, “I'm going to die here.” And the is on the microphone, and she goes, “Excuse me, ma'am. In the back. What are you doing?” I’m so traumatized. And I was like, “Oh my God! This is like my worst nightmare. Like I don't know what to do.”
So I just remember, good thinking is sitting down to the class and being like, “I got to make it through this.” So that was that. Didn't go to yoga again for a little while. I eventually put myself back in school for something else. And then eventually found my way to yet another yoga class, a different style. And this was a Yin class, which if you don't know Yin, it’s like very restful, stretching, gentle. And it's nice when it's warm. So I did the Yin class.
And the teacher said at the end of the class in the shavasana, when we were laying there, she said, “Surround yourself with people that you want to be like.” And I was like, “I want to be like these people around me, these like calm Yoga people. These are my people.” And I was so chaotic at the time in my life. I was going from relationship to relationship. I was drinking a lot. I was a complete disaster. I was skipping my classes. And I just was like I want this sense of calm and groundedness.
So I went online, and I Googled yoga jobs. I was like, “Maybe I can be a receptionist or something at a yoga studio.” And I did. And I cleaned toilets and washed floors at a yoga studio. And they eventually said – They promoted me, and they were like, “You should take your yoga teacher training.” And I said, “Okay. But I don't really – I know like six poses.” And they sent me to the training anyway. And it was not what I thought it was going to be. I remember, the first day I walked in, and all the chairs were in a big circle. And I was like, “Is this some kind of weird, like, meeting? Like, what are we doing here?”
[00:06:31] LA: Is this an intervention?
[00:06:32] AK: I was like, “This is an intervention.” I was the youngest one there, and we would sit in the chairs. They would ask us the most uncomfortable things. And I just remember thinking like, “What the hell did I get myself into?” And the yoga was hard. And then – Oh, my God. Then we would come back at night, and the chairs would be in a circle again, I'd be like, “Oh my God. It's circle chair time. It’s sharing time.” And like, the demons that I had to deal with, and I was so young. But it just propelled me into this place of like I became so interested in self-development, and in growing. And my whole thing became about I want to do the uncomfortable thing. Because in my training, I was like, “Wow!” Like, when we do uncomfortable things, that's where we grow, right? Like it's through friction that we change.
And so after that was over, I decided to – I don't know where I got this. I don't think Instagram existed quite that, but I think I saw something on the Internet where like influencers were doing yoga on the beach. And I was like, “You know what? That sounds like a good life for me.” So I dropped out of school. My parents were super, again First, their kid fails university gym. Now she drops out of university again halfway through my degree to go live in Costa Rica. I sold everything I owned. I ended a relationship. I moved out. I was living with a partner at the time. And I had – I'm not kidding you. And this isn't like a clickbait. I literally had $200. And I said, “I hope this works.”
[00:08:06] LA: I'm going to call this episode accomplished women started with only $200.
[00:08:12] AK: I was like I’m literally self-made. I went down there with 200 bucks. And someone did pay for my flight, because I went down there with someone to like nanny their kids, their kid. This is someone I knew through the yoga community ran a retreat center there and ran yoga teacher trainings. And she said, “Hey, you can come and like help. And you could live with us.” So I was like, “I only need 200 bucks. Like, I'll figure it out. Right? Can I get a job there cutting pineapples out of trees?” I don't know.
[00:08:41] LA: You know what? When you're under 30, things feel like a different level of possible.
[00:08:49] AK: 100%. I was like, “I can do anything.” Right? And I did do anything. And that's so funny, because people will always ask me, like, “How did you make it in Costa Rica?” And I said, “Are you kidding me?” I made my website, my first web site, in Costa Rica with like really dingy Wi-Fi. And it was garbage, okay? I made my website and I said, “I make websites now. I'm going to make websites for people.” And I charge people like 500 bucks to make them their websites. And I’m just like one $500 website at a time, and I can stay in Costa Rica another month. Because like you didn't eat a lot to live there.
But I lived there in total for about a year and a half. And I loved it. Well, I loved it and hated it. I think people assume you're going to go to the beach. You're going to live on the beach. Your life's going to be perfect, but it's like –
[00:09:37] LA: Beach life. Yes. Everyone wants this on the face of it. Yeah.
[00:09:42] AK: Yeah. You have that influencer beach life, right? But that's saying that says, “Wherever you go, there you are,” is so true, because I got there and I was like, “Oh, I still have the same insecurities. I still have the same problems.”
[00:09:57] LA: I just have really cute beach hair.
[00:09:58] AK: I just have a nice beach hair, and it’s warmer out. And I have a tan, right? It's like I have problems with a tan. That's it, essentially. And there would be like no Wi-Fi for like days on – It would just rain and rain. There'd be no Internet. And I remember, I was like, “This is like the ultimate like sitting with my thoughts.” Like there's no Internet, there's no power. And I would just do yoga, and I would read, and I would journal, and I cried all the time. Like I just was so lost, but also so content.
And then I came home. And my next adventure was I'm going to stay home for a bit. I started my teacher training business. And the rest is history. I'm still doing it. This is the longest I've ever stuck with anything. And when I wrote my teacher training manual, I printed it out. And I wrapped it up and I gifted it to my parents. And I said, “I don't have a degree, but I wrote a book. So here you go. Put this on the wall somewhere in a frame.”
[00:11:02] LA: Enjoy the fruits of your womb fruits labor.
[00:11:05] AK: 100%. So that's my story. And I've been running teacher – I mean, there's, of course, like so much more to it. And I feel like I'm always learning and I'm kind of been waiting to be the expert. And then I learn more. And I'm like, “Oh, I don't know anything. I don't know anything.” But I do feel really grateful that this has been my journey, because I think it gives me an opportunity to show other people that like you can start messy. Like you can fail movement class.
And like you guys, I applied for my dream. Not that this is wrong if this is your dream, okay? My dream was to work at Lululemon. And I have applied for a job there like seven times. And they never hired me. And I was like, “I just want to work at Lululemon like so bad.” And then I remember when I had been teaching for years, they reached out to me and they were like, “Can you do a private event for us and we'll come?” And they paid me all this money. And I talked to them. I was thinking like – I was like, “Man, now Lululemon works for me.” But listen, if anyone for Lululemon is listening to this, I will still work there one day a week. It’s still my dream.
[00:12:21] LA: Can you still hire me? I still want a lined-leggings at a discounted price.
[00:12:26] AK: Yes, 100%.
[00:12:29] LA: Me, too. I want a lined-leggings at a discounted price. Amanda, you just said so many things. And I am in awe of your story. It's really inspiring. And, like, I want to observe something if you're comfortable with it, which is what I'm hearing you say is that the shit that made you messy is really what creates your unique message now. And I'm using your language because I think it makes it more powerful. But the stuff that like failing movement class, and now encouraging people of all types to move and supporting them through what is a really transformative process is such a powerful connection.
Someone told you no. And you said, “Fuck you. I'm going to do it because –” And that was just the arc of your journey, is like you didn't say, “Fuck you. I'm going to do it in the moment.” But the arc of your journey is a giant fuck you to that person and to anybody who stood in your way up until now and said, “You know what? What you think is good for me is not my compass, is not my – That's not what I'm checking in with to know that I'm on the right path. I'm checking in with myself.”
[00:13:52] AK: 100%.
[00:13:53] LA: When you hear me say that, what is coming up for you?
[00:13:56] AK: I think like that – Well, the compass. I have a tattoo. I'm an arrow. Because people always told me my whole life, “You are so flaky. You change your mind all the time. When you don't want to do something, you do something else.” And I took that as like a bad thing. I was like, “Oh, wow! Like, I don't stick to anything.”
I had a teacher once who told me, “Your truth can change. Your truth can change at any point. And your job is just to be in full alignment with that and go with it and change with it.” And so that is like just what that reminds me of, is I've allowed my truth to change. And I mean, I'm still doing the same thing, but I've done it my way even when people said like you're – Whatever. And I've heard everything, right? Like, you're too – I'm not thin enough to be a yoga teacher. Or I'm not like focused enough, or whatever. I'm too much. I'm not like calm and Zen enough. Like I'm really intense.
But, 100%, that whole thing about your mess is your message like. And we all teach – This is so important, too. Like we all teach what we need to learn. Like that's why it's interesting to us, right? That's why we want to teach it, because we look at this thing and we think like, “Okay, how do I navigate this hard thing? How do I move through this hard thing?” And then you want to share that with other people. We're not out here teaching things that we're like, “I'm so good at this. I woke up good at this. Like, I slaved the day at this thing. Let me teach it to you.” That's boring, right? We teach the things we need to learn. And that like continues to be my process. And then it just encourages me to want to learn more about those things.
But I've had a lot of people, a lot of people, and I'm such a people pleaser, but in my life tell me, “You're crazy. You're not thinking this through.” Like when I went to Costa Rica, my mom – I remember my mom crying in the car. We were driving out to like a golf tournament, and I had just broke the news. And my mom was bawling. And she was like, “Costa Rica is a third-world country.” Like it was just classic mom. Like, worst case scenario, she was like, “You're going to get like abducted. Like you're going to be eaten by monkeys.” Like, I don’t know. She was just freaking out, right?
And my whole family, I remember we got to this family golf tournament, and people were like disappointed in me that I had made this decision to leave school and go to Costa Rica. And it was really, really hard for me, because I'm the type of person – A lot of times when I'm around like my family or people I feel like I really want to impress them and what they think of me matters, I just tried to like say what they want to hear. You know what I mean? And it was really tough, because my truth was not in alignment with what they wanted for me. And I just remember saying to myself like, “I just have to focus on me. And I don't have to convince anyone that this is good for me. I just have to focus on what's good for me and people will eventually fall in line.”
And then six months later, my mom was sitting on an airplane with me, and we were going to Costa Rica together. And like to this day, my mom is my biggest fan. When I was living in Costa Rica, she came down there, and she went like bananas in Costa Rica. I was like, “Where's my mom?” She was just like out all day. She was meeting people. She was just like living her best beach life. And it's like people just eventually got on board. Because they were like, “She's happy, and it's working.” And that was really special for me was when my mom came down there and she was like, “You did it. Like, you're doing it, and it's working.”
[00:17:49] LA: An important part of the story I'm hearing you say is I believed in me when my person, who is your mom, didn't. And that's a powerful hit, because I'm a Glennon Doyle fan. I think I've mentioned her a couple times –
[00:18:06] AK: Love her.
[00:18:06] LA: Yeah, love her. We love her. But I remember in her book Untamed, she said there was a story about her daughter, and her daughter disappointed someone who she felt really close to. And she was struggling with that. The daughter was struggling with that. And Glennon said to her daughter, “If you're disappointing someone, you're just reappointing yourself.” And her daughter's response was, “What if I disappoint you? Like what if I disappoint you?” And she's like, “Even better.” It's even more important. Like, the person you want to impress the most or make happy the most, if you disappoint them to appoint yourself, it's even more potent, even more powerful. And that story is what reminds me of that, is just the person you love the most, your mom. Like, it's hard to explain that you don’t know until you're in that relationship. But the person, she loves you more than she loves anything else in the world. And it's hard. It's hard to appoint yourself when the person who loves you the most is disappointed.
[00:19:16] AK: Disappointing. That’s what she says, too. She was like, “If it comes down to like disappointing yourself or disappointing someone else, I hope you disappoint someone else every single time.
[00:19:24] LA: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yes. That's a lot of rhetoric, I think, of her book, is just like be the cheetah, right? Like just the cheetah doesn't care. The wild cheetah doesn't worry about that.
[00:19:36] AK: 100%.
[00:19:39] LA: I'd love to probe you a little bit about your journey like on that same tangent of like being a crippling people pleaser and doing what is best for you. That's a huge difference. Like there's a huge gap between pleasing and doing what – Pleasing others on –
[00:19:59] AK: A lot of therapy in the middle of there.
[00:20:04] LA: Same. Same, girl. Same. I would just love to hear, like what would you tell someone who is suffering from people pleasing that's keeping them away from doing their purpose work? What would you tell them?
[00:20:18] AK: Got to quote Brene Brown, because –
[00:20:19] LA: We’re namedropping in this podcast. We’re namedropping.
[00:20:21] AK: Yeah, really. Maybe, Brene, sponsor the podcast. Yeah.
[00:20:26] LA: Yeah. Got to email her.
[00:20:27] AK: I’m like, “When is Brene Brown’s people going to contact me and start paying me for all the publicity?” But I read or listened to something by Brene Brown years ago where she said, “Choose discomfort over resentment.” And I felt personally attacked.
And she describes it as like, if you ask me, “Hey, Amanda, can you help me move this weekend?” And I'm a people pleaser. But I like have – Let's say I have so much work to do this weekend or I'm like really sick or whatever. And I want to say to you – Like I want to say no, right? But the people pleaser in me is like, “Oh my God. You betcha.” I’m like, “I'll bring pizza. I'll be there early.” And I'm joking. But it's like this is what I'm like. Like I would people please to the next level. Like if you said, “Can you help me move?” I'd be like, “You bet.” I’d show up with pizza. I’d show up with boxes. I’d be like, “Dude, put the stuff in my garage,” like whatever. Like I would just over-give myself.
So that part is the resentment part. In that moment when you say yes and when you default to people pleaser, you're choosing resentment. Because what happens is then I’d go to your house to help you move. And there's a part of me that's like mumbling under my breath, like, “This bitch.” Like, I am here –
[00:21:44] LA: I can't believe she asked me.
[00:21:47] AK: I can’t believe I'm here right now. And you know that passive aggressiveness where you're like, “Oh, yeah, I'm –” People are like, “How are you?” “Oh, I'm really busy. But like, I'm here.” Like it’s just like yucky energy. But I would do that all the time. So that is the resentment piece. And then the choosing discomfort over resentment looks like saying, “No.” And this is still my work to this day, is like less explanation. Like I always feel like let me deliver to you a novel of reasons why I can't do this thing. But it's not like my job to manage somebody else's expectations.
And really, if I say to you, like, “No, I can't help you move.” And then I start dumping all these reasons and excuses and trying to like control your experience and soften the blow. I'm actually taking away your opportunity to learn and communicate with me and ask for what you need and you want. So everybody loses. And that's what I'm learning from people pleasing. I'm like, “The more I people please, please, I'm taking away my own power. And I'm taking away your power, too. Because I'm trying to do something for both of us.”
So I've been working on saying no. It's funny, because sometimes like it's a text message situation. I have like a safe people I can send it to and I'll send it and I'll be like, “Do you think that this is clear?” And my friends will be like, “You were telling the whole – This person doesn't need to know all these things.”
Like, my landlord, recently, I wanted to renew my lease. And all I had to say was, “Can I renew my lease a year?” And I said, I typed out a novel. And I was like, “You know, like, I'm 31 years old, and I might want to have a baby someday.” Because he wanted me to have a two-year lease. And I was like, “I just want to have a one-year lease.”
So I tell this stranger, I'm like, “Maybe I'm going to meet someone and I'm going to have a baby in like two years. Like, I can't have a baby in this house.” And I send it to a friend and she was like, “What's happening here? Like, what is telling you that you have to say all this extra stuff, right?” Like if he needs more information, he'll ask. You're taking away his ability to like ask and to fend for himself. And so, really, it's like that's my work, is like stay in my own lane. And I always ask myself at the end of the day, I have like a couple of questions I like to check in with, but I love the question, “Did I abandon myself today? So did I abandon myself today? Did I not speak up about something when I wanted to speak up about something? Was I dishonest? did not ask for what I needed, right?” Because when I go into people pleasing mode, I go into abandon mode. Like I start to abandon myself.
[00:24:25] LA: So in one sentence or less, what would you tell someone who's suffering from chronic people pleasing?
[00:24:31] AK: You got to choose you. Don't please the people. Please yourself.
[00:24:38] AK: Yeah. Choose you.
[00:24:41] AK: You’ll remember that, right? Like, they’ll forget.
[00:24:44] LA: Choosing yourself is liberation. Like we are – Women, especially, are taught, groomed, brought into this world from the moment of our first cry to be good, be small, be In line. Like there's a difference between staying in your lane and staying in line.
[00:25:05] AK: Hmm. Oh my God! Ugh!
[00:25:09] LA: Ugh! We've all been there, right.
[00:25:12] AK: It’s so true?
[00:25:13] LA: Where staying in your lane is empowerment. Staying in line is disempowerment. And there's a journey there. Like I think – I don't know. I think about my clients and I think about myself. And like I wouldn't categorize myself per se as a people pleaser. But I do want to be liked. And so that's just how it manifests, is like that societal conditioning shows up as wanting to be liked. And that leads to people pleasing tendencies. I think everybody can categorize themselves in a different way how it relates back to making sure other people are taken care of. And what you just said was choose yourself in spite of how it might make someone feel. Care less about what they feel and more about what you feel. And I think that's really potent.
I've been asked before as a client, and I've asked my clients this before in the coaching setting, like, “What's more important? Is it the thing or is it you?” Like, I don't know what the answer is. I truly don't. But the answer, whatever the truth is, can set you free. So if you truly believe that doing that thing is more important than doing the thing for you, then that's what we need to talk about. Not the thing. Not the thing overall. So, ugh!
[00:26:38] AK: And, too, the people pleasing thing is – And I just talked about this on my podcast, too. It's like I think that it's a default. Because instead of me tending to my own needs, I'll just tend to yours, and I'll have a false sense of accomplishment. And I was saying on my podcast, because I've just done this crazy challenge. And it was really, really difficult on this like fitness challenge. And anyway, and I said it's crazy how we will move a mountain for anyone. And like, I don't have kids. But if something happened to my dog, and I had to spend $5,000 to get my dog surgery, I would figure it out, right? Like if your kid needed something or someone you love, you would move the mountain. You would figure it out. And you would move the frickin’ mountain. But when it comes to moving the mountain for yourself, we're like, “Oh, I'm good.”
[00:27:31] LA: What do you think is the reason why we do that?
[00:27:34] AK: Oh, I’m still trying to figure that out. But what I think I've learned about it so far is that it's like a re-parenting of yourself, first of all. Like showing up for yourself and saying like, “Okay, I need to take myself for a walk, or I need to stop having this toxic conversation with this person.” And I think a lot of it comes down to self-worth and the default of what our limiting beliefs are about ourselves.
So for me, mine is I'm not good enough. And that's just like a limiting belief that I've been conditioned to – It's like the root of everything, like painful, hurtful, negative can come down to me thinking I'm not good enough. And your brain’s job is to look out for you. Your brain wants to prove you right. If you've ever stood in in your kitchen and you open the fridge and you're like, “Where's the ketchup?” You're like, “I can't find the ketchup. I don't see the ketchup.” And then your husband comes over and he's like, “It's right here in front of your face,” right?
And that's because your brain tells you like, “Listen, she said she doesn't see the ketchup. We don't see the ketchup.” Like your brain wants to prove you right? So if there is this like deep, hidden underlying belief of I'm not good enough, you're going to go out and look for evidence to support that thing. And why would you move the mountain? It’s like, “I’m not worthy of moving that mountain. But I'll move it for someone else.”
[00:28:51] LA: Because they're worthy.
[00:28:54] AK: Because they're worthy. 100%
[00:28:57] LA: It's like, yeah, how you see them is like a retraining of like how to see yourself.
[00:29:04] AK: Yeah, it’s so true. Oh, no. Hold on. I feel like I should repay you guys for this conversation.
[00:29:12] LA: Not at all. Not at all. Those are hard things, right? Like that’s the shit. Like that's the shit that keeps us small and keeps us away from doing our work in the world. And that's kind of what I'm really curious about why I asked you on the podcast and why I'm so keen to chat with you, is because I want to hear from you, Amanda. Like what is your purpose work? Why are you here? What are you doing in the world that is you standing in your power?
[00:29:44] AK: I would say that my work, my mission is to get people uncomfortable. And that's still something I'm working with. And sometimes it's uncomfortable to get people uncomfortable, because then I got to step into it. But even in yoga, like I want to give people permission to move in a way that they're like, “What's going on?” Like, “What are we doing a little bit?”
And the biggest thing is I want to empower people to get out of their own way. And it's so cheesy, and we know it. And it's bumpers. It's on Live, Laugh, Love. It's one of those – But you really are the only thing standing in your way. And that has been the greatest lesson I've learned. And, I mean, it's like a catch-22. How great is that? Right? It's like the good news is you’re the only obstacle.
[00:30:45] LA: You're in full control of the obstacle. You’re not full in control of everything, but the obstacle itself.
[00:30:55] AK: 100%. And it's like – And there are like hard, terrible, awful things that people come up against in this world. But there's evidence of people who have done something good with those really hard, terrible, awful things, right? And it's like how you choose to look at it and teach from it. And that's why I think we teach what we need to learn. And every time I go through something really difficult, there's a part of me that's like, “Why is this happening to me? I'm such a good person.” Like, “Why? Why me?” But then I also think like, “Okay, I'm building my resume right now.”
[00:31:33] LA: The resume of life. Yeah.
[00:31:35] AK: Yeah. I’m like, “I’m going to get a really good job. I'm going to get a raise after this.”
[00:31:41] LA: And it's true. When you're really young, like when you're 21 and moving to Costa Rica, part of what makes it okay is because you don't have a resume, right? Like you're building your resume. And that's what makes it hard to deviate when you're older, is because you don't want to undo the parts of the resume that you have. And you have a persona that you’ve built with that resume. And there's something about that. It's hard. It's hard to deviate from what you've created. And creating more is what life is about. Like creating more of your resume is what life is about.
[00:32:23] AK: And it gets harder. Like it doesn't get easier. It literally gets harder.
[00:32:27] LA: Mm-hmm. I was just chatting with a friend about toddlers. Like I have a toddler, and a preschooler. But it's funny how hard it is to have a newborn. Like anyone with a child or a puppy, like a new being that landed here on Earth – Holy shit. It's hard. It’s like, “What am I doing? How am I doing it? Blah-blah-blah.” But oh, just wait till they're a toddler. And now I have a preschooler. And I'm like, “Oh, just wait. “Oh, just wait till they're a preschooler.” And when she's 13, I’m like, “Wait till she's a teenager.” So there's that side of it.
And then there's also this like beautiful journey. Like there's – Oh! Like that is what fucking life is about, is enjoying that shit, the shit of it, and making something out of it. And what I just heard you say is your purpose and how you show up to do your good work in the world is by helping people stay in the discomfort of that journey.
[00:33:33] AK: Hmm, yeah. Because I’m like, “It's worth it.”
[00:33:37] AK: It's worth it.
[00:33:38] AK: It's so worth it. And like, my other thing I've been thinking about is I'm like, “You know what? Thinking about doing the thing is so much more uncomfortable than doing the thing.”
[00:33:47] LA: You were saying this in teacher training a couple weeks ago – Or what is time. But like maybe a couple months ago. And that stuck with me actually. Sorry to interrupt you. But you said that, and it stuck with me. I've thought about that many times. So can you repeat that again one more time?
[00:34:03] AK: Yeah. So thinking about doing the thing takes more energy, and it's more uncomfortable than doing the thing? Like you can change your mind. Your truth can change. How many times have you sat there – This is me. Like I'm really speaking to myself. How many times have you sat there thinking like, “Okay, I'm going to send this email. I'm going to send this email. I got to send this email.” And you're like rehearsing it in your head. And it's like, “Ugh!” It's just do the thing, right? We're like hesitating. And I just don't want to look back on my life and think like, “Wow! I spent 80% of my life thinking and hesitating. And the rest of it was action.”
Nobody – There’s like. I don’t want to say it's like scientifically proven. But there's studies that show that people aren't regretting the things they did. They're regretting the things they didn't do. And I'm not here on this earth to just like think about living my life.
[00:35:02] AK: Oh! Yeah, yeah.
[00:35:04] AK: That's why my thing is like be messy, right? Because there's so many of us that are perfectionist, and we want to get it right. And it's like, “Who the fuck cares? Just do it messy, and just decide I'm going to suck at this thing. I'm going to have this hard conversation. And it's going to be a disaster, or whatever.” And it's like, “That's how you learn,” right?
I mean, I don't have kids. But I'm like, “Now you're talking about it. And like that's going to be my next mountain one day.” But it's like you don't tell how older kids when they walk.
[00:35:34] LA: A one. Yeah.
[00:35:34] AK: Like, one, two, six? When do they start walking?
[00:35:39] LA: One-ish.
[00:35:38] AK: You don't tell them like one time they fall down you're like, “You know what? That's not for you. Walking isn't for you. I'll just carry you everywhere.” You've got to do it. You've got to be an action, right? A baby doesn't sit there – I mean, maybe. I don't know what's going on a baby's head. But then I was sitting there being like, “You know, should I walk?” They just do it.
[00:35:55] LA: No, they don't do it. They just do it. And I've seen it. They don't think about anything that isn't right in front of them. And that is the beginner's mind is, “I'm just going to think about exactly what I'm doing in this moment.” It's like the reality of being present is so easy for kids. Like they can just be with a fucking like whatever. A box, a block, a ball. Like, lots of B words. But like, anything like that, they’re with it. And there's a lesson. There's a lesson in that, for sure.
[00:36:32] AK: Yeah. Okay, you guys, be more like a baby. Okay? Be more like a toddler. Be present in the moment. And yeah, just think about the difference between – Like I always think, okay, we look up to people that we’re inspired by and we think like, “Oh, my God. How can I be like them? What can I do? Chances are that person is taking action. They're going to take action. Like they're doing the thing.
[00:36:59] LA: They're doing something.
[00:37:01] AK: They’re doing something. It doesn't matter what it is. I'm like you can fall forward, you can crawl forward, you can tip-toe forward. It's still forward.
[00:37:10] LA: So this is why I have a job, right? This is why people pay me, because coaching is about encouraging people into that action place. What I can say in response to that is everybody gets stuck in that inaction. Everybody, everybody I've ever talked to, and myself included. I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars on coaching and therapy, because either I'm stuck in the past, or I'm not taking action on what really matters. That's a really potent lesson, is when you're jealous, or comparing, or when you're wondering why not you, there's likely something in that around action.
And I don't mean anything to do with social justice on this. Yes. Like, the whiteness of us makes it easier. Our privilege makes it easier. Absolutely. So I don't mean anything around any of that. But the general showing up in life, what you want from someone else, is likely being achieved by them because of an action as opposed to – Or something they can control. Something they can sink their fingers into and get messy with is likely what's propelling them forward.
And I say this to everybody, but we make stories about people that are totally untrue and is self-sacrificing for ourselves. So like, when you see someone doing the thing, there's all of a sudden – Just as you said, the evidence. You're like, “Okay. Well, they must have done something I can't do or didn't do in order to get that thing.” And that's just bullshit. Like, there's really no – They're sitting in their seat of messiness going like, “Oh, I hope this works.” And, “Oh my gosh! Like, did I do the right thing?” Etc., etc.
[00:39:01] AK: 100%.
[00:39:03] LA: And so I think there's an irony there that we're all walking each other home. We're all on the same page. We're all in the same shitstorm. And, yeah, it looks different for everybody. But truly, we're all doing the same thing.
[00:39:17] AK: And I think about that yoga class. Like, I try to tell people like, “No one is sitting there looking at you thinking like, “Ugh.” Everyone is in there thinking like, “Okay. Look at me. What about me? What about me?” And it's just like, “What are people thinking about me?” Like, everybody is sitting in some kind of imposter syndrome, right? Like who am I to do this thing, or be this thing, or have this thing? 100%. I remind myself of that all the time.
[00:39:40] LA: Hmm, impostor syndrome. Yes.
[00:39:43] AK: Like we all got it. We all got it.
[00:39:47] LA: We all wonder. Like, we all wonder if it's going to work. We all wonder whether we're on the right track. There's no like knowing that what you're doing is right, or what you're doing is worth it, or what you're – Etc. There's no knowing. It's only a bravery. Like there's a bravery. And the bravery allows you to gather evidence. As you said, if you can just do the thing, you will get evidence as to whether you can do that thing again or a thing similar to it.
And fuck, like, there's lots of things that I've done that don't work. And like I'm sure you can say the same where, yeah, there's times when it doesn't work. But that just creates more of your resume. There's just another bucket on your resume that you're like, “Hey, I found out something that doesn't work. And that's okay. Like, I'm a human fucking being.” And so there's going to be those times when it doesn't work. And there's going to be times where it does. And it's like holding on to that. Not knowing like there's something there that's important about – Not knowing for sure. Not knowing for sure what is the next that’s going to happen.
[00:40:59] AK: That's what kills people. Like, one thing someone said to me that really, really, in the last couple months, made a major impact. I was really interested in procrastination. It's fascinating to me. I'm like because it's the non-action. I'm like, “Why do I not do the thing?” And someone said to me, “What bad thing happens if you do do the thing?” She’s like, “Don't focus on why am I not doing it. What bad thing happens if you do do that thing?” Because there's something about it that subconsciously tells you, “Don't go there. Don't do that thing,” right?
So we can sit here and say, like, you can admire other people. But, okay, let's say you do the brave state. Let's say you quit your job, whatever it is for you, right? Maybe let's say you get on the Peloton for 45 minutes, and that's the brave thing, right? Or you speak out about something that really matters to you. People will not like it. Someone is not going to like it. Someone's going to be triggered by it, right?
And it's like, I always asked myself, “What bad thing happens if I take care and better care of myself? What bad thing happens? And then I really start to think about, “Okay. So if I start to take better care of myself, start to set better boundaries, what bad thing happens? I got to cut people out. I got to say no. I'm going to ruffle some feathers.” It's just such a powerful question. Like what is it? So then people will sit there and be like, “I want this thing? Why isn't it happening for me.” That’s like, “Okay, but something in you – There's something in you that says it's not safe to have,” and that's worth looking at..
[00:42:34] LA: There's a self-trust piece that you build. You build in doing that. Yes. That is a really good question. And doing some analysis of what are you really afraid of. Actually, just asked a client the other day, like, “What are you afraid of in this?” And she had a couple answers. And we talked about how those elements are showing up in what's holding her back. She was like, she had an aha moment where it was like, “I didn't realize that what I was afraid of, what was on the other side of the thing, was the thing that was holding me back. Not the thing. What was on the other side of the thing?” It is a good question. And it allows you to pivot your understanding and see a different perspective that you might not have been looking at.
[00:43:21] AK: Yeah, you're like moving. You're moving out of your comfort zone, right? And as human beings, like we are wired to want to be safe.
[00:43:30] LA: Yeah. Biologically, scientifically. Yeah.
[00:43:33] AK: It’s like whatever is out there. Yeah. Stay in the cave. Stay in the cave. Stay with the people. It's like don't go wandering out there. Like you're going to get eaten by a tiger. Right?
[00:43:43] LA: Yeah. Those rouge Calgary tigers. Yeah.
[00:43:47] AK: Those Calgary tigers are going to get you.
[00:43:51] LA: So I would love to pivot, if you're open to it, to the recent challenge that you did. 75 Hard, girl. Wow!
[00:43:59] AK: Oh, yeah.
[00:44:00] LA: You're just about to say something.
[00:44:01] AK: I’m like, I love talking about it. I'm like, “Yes. Ask me about it.” I feel I just climbed Mount Everest. And I'm like, “Who wants to see pictures?”
[00:44:10] LA: Yeah, totally. Like, come to the slideshow, because it really was quite a feat. Quite a feat.
[00:44:17] AK: It’s hard.
[00:44:17] LA: Yeah, it looked hard. And I'd love for you to tell us a bit about the challenge. And I'll start off this conversation with you just released a podcast today, that's March 23rd, 2022, talking all about this. So we will direct our listeners to go get deep with you there. But in lieu of that, we'd love to just hear about the challenge.
[00:44:41] AK: Yeah. I did a podcast, because people had people had a lot of questions. People were like, “What did you just do?” I had read about this thing called the 75 Hard. It sounds insane. So it's two workouts a day. One of them has to be outside. And we're in Calgary. And I did this in January. So it was minus 30 outside. It doesn't specify. It doesn't have to be a HIT workout. Some days, I did two walks. I really did meet myself where I was at, because I was like, “I got 75 days of this. I got to take it one day at a time, right?
You have to drink a gallon of water. You have to read 10 pages a day. You need to stick to some kind of eating plan. So you're not going to eat like cake and chocolate. I decided to cut out foods that my naturopath had been recommending that I cut out. So I did cut out all grains, no dairy, no sugar, which was really, really difficult. And then no drinking. And then you take a progress picture of yourself every day, which was actually one of the hardest parts, is like remember to take this like silly photo. You think the hard part is going to be like the workout. And it's like the tiny little things.
And I listened about the challenge. And the guy who runs it is like insane. I actually have a hard time like referring people to him, because he's so intense that I'm like, “He's really scary. And he’s really mean. But like just try to listen to the point of the challenge, because it does, I think, serve a purpose.” And the whole idea is that it's a mental toughness challenge. And like, listen, you hear that? I'm just saying I went into it – Like, come on. It's first week after January. I go into it thinking like I'm going to lose weight. I want to get fit. You know what – Like that was my mindset. And he's like it's a mental toughness challenge. I’m like, “Yeah. People just say that because they don't want to call it a diet.” That's what I learned. It is a mental toughness challenge.
And 75 days, and I remember I was like, “I'm going to do this. I'm going to do it.” And I started a lot of things. Remember, I'm “flaky”. I change my mind. If I lose interest, I don't do it anymore. On the third day, I realized my relationship was coming to an end. And I was like, “Alright, well, I can sit on the couch and I can just eat a pizza. And I can be sad and I can watch Netflix.” And I told my mom, I'm like, “You know what, I just don't think it's a good time for me to do this challenge. I'm really tired. I'm really sad.”
Because I’m coach and I realized, I was like, “This is the problem, is that I just let myself off the hook like this.” And I was like, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” And I said, “Get your ass outside right now, Amanda Kelly.” And it was nine o'clock at night. It was minus – I'm not kidding. It was so cold. I couldn't even bring my dog outside. And I cry every time I tell this story. I put on like four pairs of pants. I didn't have ski pants. I put on a toque, a scarf. I put on face mask. I put on ski goggles so my eyelashes would not freeze together. And I called my mom and I put my little AirPods in and my mom is like, “Why do you sound so roughly?” And I said, “Okay, mom, I'm going to walk.” It literally makes me cry every time. And it's like the hardest – People are like, “What was the hardest day? What was the hardest workout? It was this day? Day three. I said, “Mom, I don't want to quit. I'm going to walk for 45 minutes outside and I need you to talk to me on the phone for 45 minutes.” And she was like, “Okay.” And I said – My mom's like, “Of course.” She's like, “It's so cold. It's so late.” And I said, “I'm just going to walk up and down the street. And if I get cold, I'll come inside, right?” Instead of sitting on the couch and thinking about the thing, I'll do the thing, and I can change my mind.
And I got in from the 45-minute walk and I sobbed. And I said to myself, “I'm going to finish this thing. Like, I'm going to finish this thing.” And you go into any challenge thinking, “How will I do it? How will do I do it?” You know what? That version of you will die.” Like the version of me that started the challenge died at some point. And then I became a new person. And I did it. I went on vacation. to I worked out in the airport. I did it on vacation. I didn't drink. And I talked to this girl who did it before me and she said one thing and it stuck with me. And it was like my mantra. And she said, “You will not regret not doing something.” And she said, “You are missing out on nothing by choosing yourself.” And she's like, “You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.” And I've heard that before, you have nothing to lose. But it really hit different this time.
And I stuck to it and I got so strong, like physically strong. And it's kind of like when you get really good at like a certain board game or a card game and then you hang out with your friends and you're like, “Let's play that game,” so I can beat everyone. Every time I went to like workout, I felt like that with myself. I was like, “I'm going to beat myself again today. I'm going to beat myself again today.” And some days I went for a walk, and I was slow. I just did what I could every day. But my brain changed so much. And I just realized how many excuses I've made in my life. And that's where that mountain thing came from. I was like, “Damn! Like, I have moved mountains for a lot of people. And I will find a way to do something if someone really needs it. But I have not been doing that for myself.”
And for 75 days, I got up every morning and I moved the mountain for myself. And it was hard. That's why it's called 75 Hard, right? Like somedays I had to get up at 5am to go for an outdoor walk. Whether I stayed up – I had to stand up in my living room reading 10 pages because I was so tired. It was like, “If I sit down right now, I read, I'm falling asleep.” And I would just like walk around reading the 10 pages. But I did it. I finished it. I can't believe I finished it. Like, I can and I can’t. But I am like truly –
[00:50:31] LA: The old you died. I can't believe it. And the new you is like, “Of course, I did it.”
[00:50:39] AK: Duh? Yeah. And it's funny, because someone asked me, I got a bunch of questions. And someone said, “How many times did you want to quit? And I said, “Never.” Or how many times did you think about quitting?” And I said, “I didn't. I changed my identity.” And I think they say this, like, if you quit smoking, you don't say, “Oh, I'm quitting.” You say, “Oh, I don't smoke. I just identified, I was like, “Oh, I do this. I do this thing.”
And it's funny, because the people were really fixated on the diet. Everyone's like, “What diet did you follow?” Let me tell you. When you're trying to do all these other things and drink all this water, you're not out here focusing on your diet. Like I ate whenever I was hungry. And I just ate within what the rules were. And like my health like has major improved. And I just feel I was running – I can’t believe I said that. I was running the other day for pleasure. Like I wasn't running from something. I ran outside.
I mean, I run slow. But I was running and I was just thinking like, “Come for me, Internet. Like, come for me, haters.” It's like being in a marriage with someone where you're so tight knit and it's such a good relationship and you think, “It's us against the world. Nobody is tearing us apart.” I feel like that was myself. I'm just like, “Ooh! Get it.” Like, nobody is going to tear me down. And the people that were like – People would tell me things like, “You need gluten in your diet.” I’m like, “What are the gluten-free people doing? Dying? Like, come.”
[00:52:16] LA: I’m the gluten-free people. And I’m not dying.
[00:52:19] AK: Yeah. You get it. You’re alive. I’m like, “People can hate me. People can judge me. People can say like, “Wow! That sounds like a punishment.” But I’m just like, “I won!” Like, “I'm good.” Like I just feel so – Like, I accomplished the thing. And I trust myself. If I say I'm going to do something now, I know I'm going to do it. You've done harder things in your life. Okay, that's the other thing. People are like, “That sounds so hard.” I'm like, “You've done harder shit in your life than stand at your kitchen counter and try to finish three glasses of water. Like, come on.”
[00:52:52] LA: It's like it's simple, but it's not easy kind of thing.
[00:52:55] AK: It was so hard. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
[00:52:57] LA: Mm-hmm. And like, because our bodies crave comfort. Like, again, I want to bring that back to your purpose work is helping people be in discomfort. And you supported yourself in a place of discomfort so that you could up-level your shit, up-level your life.
[00:53:22] AK: And I did find that. I noticed. I was like, “Okay. Wow! I have been enabling everyone in my life because I enable myself.”
[00:53:32] LA: Let’s all be comfortable in our comfortable spots and not look at discomfort.
[00:53:37] AK: Yeah. I was like, “You betcha. You don't want to do that thing? Don't you worry about it. You don't have to do it.” Right? And I was very enably. And then once I start to push myself, I realized like, “Okay, I showed up for myself in this way. I want to hold other people to be able to show for them.” And I also learned a lot but this is what I'm really passionate about right now. I learned a lot about rest. And like I want to say this in a sensitive way because I feel so hyped up about it. I think we are using the term rest as a cop-out. And we're not actually resting. Like we're saying, “I need to listen to my body and rest.” And instead, we're scrolling through TikTok for two hours. We're looking at our ex-boyfriend’s sister’s dogs Instagram being like, “I miss that dog so much.” Right? Like, we're watching hours of Netflix. Not to say that these things are bad. But –
[00:54:34] LA: They don't equal rest. It’s not that they’re bad. It's that they don't equal rest.
[00:54:40] AK: And the biggest thing it taught me is I – And it's funny, because as a yoga teacher, my life motto is listen to your body. And I was like I have not been listening to my body. I think I'm listening to my body, but I'm listening to a part of my brain that says, “Oh, just shut down. Do nothing. Disassociate.”
[00:54:59] LA: Stay small. Stay comfortable.
[00:55:02] AK: And like, now, listening to my body looks like I need to go outside and walk for 10 minutes. Like, I can't believe I didn't go outside every day. It's actually the thing I feel the strongest about and the only thing that I will forever push on people. Like I wish I was a therapist so I could just like – Or like a doctor, and I could just be like, “You need to go outside. Go outside every day.” Because that's made the biggest difference for me, is like getting outside and moving my body.
And I want to say, like when I say moving my body and workouts, I think people pick. And also, I lost like a ton of weight. I lost 40 pounds. And I don't want to fixate on the weight. But people think, because they message me. People think I'm out here doing like the 60 minutes a Peloton and a HIT workout. That is not what I did. I push myself yes. But I figured out how to get Netflix on the Peloton. And I was like, “I'm just going to sit here and pedal for an hour.” And I did a lot of slow yoga and I really just – I just moved my body in a way that felt like I'm going to move my body because I love my body. Not because like I hate it. And that you got to love yourself to do this challenge. You can't do this and hate yourself. How are you got to show up every day for yourself if you hate yourself?
[00:56:15] LA: Yeah, that is potent.
[00:56:18] AK: Yeah. Like, I’m not showing up for myself if I hate myself every day. I'm not going to be checked into my workout if I think like, “Ugh! I hate myself. Like, I'm so lazy, or I'm so tired, or I'm so weak.” I was like, “Okay, I love myself. I love myself enough to slow down. I love myself enough to push this 1% more. I love myself enough to take a break.” And I wasn't weak when I started. We think like, “Oh, I was at my weakest when I made this change.” And it's like, “No. You have to be really strong to decide I'm going to change.” A weak person doesn't make that decision. So if you think yourself like I need to make a change, then that says a lot about your character. You’re way stronger than you think. think
[00:57:03] LA: Yeah, way stronger than you think. We all are. We all have an inner strength that is dormant in some way. And I think one of the lessons that you're sharing with the world is that discomfort is the gateway to strength and purpose.
[00:57:25] AK: Without friction. You can have change without friction, or growth without friction. To growing pains, right?
[00:57:34] LA: Growing Pains.
[00:57:37] AK: So many of them. It's fun to talk about. It's easy to talk about. But it's hard. It's really hard work.
[00:57:41] LA: Absolutely, hard work. And I personally cannot wait to listen to the podcast. Like, I wish we could talk for a whole another hour, because like I need to let you go. Like it's 20 minutes after the hour. And like this is not fair at this point. But maybe we can talk about this another time for the listeners. But like I'm really intrigued at the process and the learnings and all of the feelings that go with the challenge and how you kind of navigated all of that. And I assume we're going to hear that on the podcast. So I'm definitely going to tune into that. And I hope you do as well, listeners. Go find the 75 Hard recap podcast. And I will link it in the show notes as I said.
Amanda, before we say goodbye, what happened in our call today? What did you hear yourself say? What is your takeaway?
[00:58:43] AK: When I hear myself talk about these things, it reminds me that I am so much more than I give myself credit for. There's so much more on my resume than I thought. And I am qualified for any job that I set my mind to
[00:59:05] LA: Lululemon, pick up the phone.
[00:59:07] AK: Lululemon, call me. I’m ready.
[00:59:10] LA: Amanda, thank you so much for being here today.
[00:59:14] AK: Thank you so much.
[00:59:15] LA: I'm so grateful to share you with the listeners. And I'm sending you so much congratulations and celebration on this wonderful milestone that you're in right now. Can't wait to get back to yoga training.
[00:59:27] AK: Can't wait. Thank you.
[00:59:29] LA: Thank you. Bye-bye.
[OUTRO]
[00:27:51] LA: Thank you for being here with me. If you loved this episode of Positively Charged, please rate and review wherever you get your podcasts. If you could benefit from illuminating your own personal power, please contact me to get a free coaching consultation. Stay positively charged, my friends.
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