Episode 9 - Connection, Equity, and Being a Coach with Steph
[INTRODUCTION]
[00:00:01] LA: Welcome to the Positively Charged podcast. I'm a certified coach who's innately curious and loves discussing life, work, family, and everything in between. My guests and I are sharing how we step into our power and live a positively-charged life. Let's dive in.
[00:00:15] LA: Welcome, welcome to another episode of Positively Charged with Lindsay. I am her. I am your host. I am just filled with absolute immense gratitude that you've decided to land back in the podcast today. It just kind of blows my mind that people are coming back and listening. So thank you again. Thank you again for being here. Your listenership just means so much to me. And me being able to share these beautiful stories with you has just been such an awesome, an immense privilege. So, without further ado, I really do want to introduce the wonderful, lovely person I've invited on the podcast today. And you will love her, because you can't help it. And she is just such an amazing human being with an inclusive and beautiful aura of the way she conducts herself in social media and in real life. Like I said, without further ado, Steph, Steph, the coach. Steph, the coach.
[00:01:12] SK: Hello.
[00:01:12] LA: Yay! I’m so glad you’re here, Steph.
[00:01:15] SK: Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much. I'm looking forward to our conversation so much. Yeah.
[00:01:20] LA: Yes, it's totally My pleasure. And I'll give a little bit of background before I let you introduce yourself and tell us all about your wonderful work that you do. But Steph and I met in our coach training, which means we are both certified executive coaches. And we both have coaching practices and clients that we support. So this podcast has been – Definitely, coaching conversations have happened on the podcast. And that will absolutely happen today as well.
But it's really awesome to have another coach with me. I have been so excited to have staff here. Just not only is she amazing, but just on the basis of she's a coach too. So she gets it. She gets all the, I’m going to say, idiosyncrasies of being a coach. And I hope that'll just bring a little flair to our conversation today.
So Steph, thank you. Thank you again, for being here. Just before we hit record, I was just sharing how awesome it is that you took the time to be with us today. And I just can't wait to share your unique genius. So please start by telling us a bit about yourself and a bit about Fulcrum and all the wonderful work that you do.
[00:02:26] SK: Oh, amazing. Okay, thank you. I'm so happy to be your first coach on the pod. Okay. So, me. I am a woman, I reside on the unceded Coast Salish and Hul'qumi'num Treaty Group land. So on Vancouver Island. I'm certified executive coach. I'm a mom. I’m a partner. I'm a lifelong student. And I run a coaching practice named Fulcrum Executive Coaching. And I met sort of a new entrepreneur twice, because when we left – right when we started school, I went into March of that year in 2020 with a full roster of clients, and then the pandemic hit, and all of my clients dropped away, almost all of them. And I was homeschooling my kids. And really, it took two years to take a minute and regroup. And here we are.
[00:03:21] LA: Yes. For everyone, obviously, the pandemic was or is, it was and is, such a challenge. And entrepreneurs, I think, I don't want to say felt it the most like. I don't want to broad brush it. But I know personally, I can speak from the eye on that as well, that it was such a difficult transition being an entrepreneur during that time of uncertainty. And it was such a great opportunity, because people were really fucked up for lack of a better word. Like, everyone was homeschooling their kids and like laid off. And huge transformations. Like lots of transformations. And just the fear. Like there was so much fear. And so that you'd think as a coach, we'd have this great opportunity to support people. And at the same time, people were paralyzed. That's what I found. I'll speak from the eye on that, that it was almost difficult to find people even if they weren't paying to just commit to having sessions, because it was a paralyzing time. So I can really identify with that.
[00:04:23] SK: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, we had. I mean, I had clients who dropped off simply because they weren't used to using Zoom so much. And they just couldn't cope. Like we didn't have sort of that callus of online meeting sort of built up yet. So it was a time.
[00:04:38] LA: That is such a good word. That is such a good word. I had visions of graduating and meeting all my clients in-person. I don't know how you – I was like, “Oh, I'm going to be just living in coffee shops. Like I'm going to be –”
[00:04:52] SK: Renting an office. Doing your thing. Yeah, not anymore.
[00:04:55] LA: Yeah, totally. I kind of like pictured this like tiny little room with like two big arm chairs that I would come to manifest. And yeah, not really. Not really at all. It was such a huge shift for everyone. But again, us coming out of our coach training – And we were still in coach training in 2020. So we were – Again, like, I cannot wait to hear your thoughts on coach training because I’m just absolutely super biased. But I loved it.
And I remember leaving our residency, and it was right before the pandemic started. And all of a sudden, like I don't know if you recall on like one of the last day, Steph, staff when they were like, “Oh.” And like, “Yeah, but you really do have to go coach like lots of people now. You got to go do that.” And they set it all through the week, but there was like this one time that they said, “Oh, by the way, you have to go like 50 hours’ worth of clients, or 100 hours, or whatever it was.” And I was like, “What? I can’t do that.” And I remember leaving that training thinking, “What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? Like, I'm a young mom. I got pregnant right away after as well.” So I was pregnant all through the coach training, like after residency. Yeah, it was just crazy. So anyhow, I'm talking so much about myself, and I really want to hear about you. So I'll say Steph, what was your favorite part of coach training? What came out for you?
[00:06:18] SK: Oh, gosh. Well, I was really lucky in a sense that I really cut my teeth in the corporate world. I don't know if it's the corporate world, whatever, in the work world at Royal Roads. So I started there in 2000. And worked there. I worked at a couple of other places over the years, but always returned back there. And I was very fortunate to work in executive education, which was the department offering the coaching certificate.
So I was able to – Like, is open to the public and anyone around Royal Roads to be part of a student's final exam. And just for the listeners, when you do your final exam in the executive coaching program at Royal Roads, you have to coach a stranger that you've never met or seen before for 30 minutes in front of a panel. And so that's –
[00:07:09] LA: Straight up terrifying.
[00:07:10] SK: Straight up terrifying. And the thing that was so cool is that I got to be the coachee, so the person being coached, in three or four final exams for a variety of different people over the years. And at this point, I'd have my daughter. She was really small. Like younger than four. And I didn't know what I wanted. But I knew that coaching could help me figure it out. And by the fourth session, so over a variety of months, probably over a two-year period, I had four coaching sessions. And this is with brand-new students. And the coaching conversations changed my life incrementally. Each conversation gave me a new way of looking at things.
And as I went on in my career at Royal Roads, I went through a reorganization, which happens often in all kinds of large organizations. And all of a sudden, I wasn't with the team I thought I would retire with. I was with a whole different team with a new boss, a new portfolio. And it was really that pivotal moment that was incredibly painful, but also a time of immense growth, that it really solidified for me, “No. I’m a coach. I need to be a coach. I need to figure out a way to have a coaching practice.”
And at that time, I was trying to get pregnant with who is now my son, our second baby. And I got accepted into the coaching program and then found out I was pregnant with him. This was in 20 – I guess it would have been 2014. I decided, rather than do my usual, which would be to do everything, I dropped out of the program and decided to just be pregnant and work. And then a number of years went by. I didn't end up going back to work. And I was a stay-at-home mom for years and did contract work. And then I thought, “Okay, when he's in kindergarten, then is the time.” And that ended up being 2020, which was the time for me, but it was a weird time.
[00:09:12] LA: Yes, it was also the time for me. So I'm so grateful that this happened.
[00:09:15] SK: Mm-hmm. Me, too.
[00:09:18] LA: You came to coach training when it became time for me as well. So that worked out with my favor. That's for sure. And you did say stuff like what kind of – The impetus was that kind of brought you into coaching. And I'd love to hear, what was your frame of mind when you entered into the program?
[00:09:36] SK: That's a great question. Whew. That's a great question. I was just really ready. And I had known that I wanted to do the program for so long. And like, I don't know, just speaking for myself. I'm always trying to figure out what's the best time to do the thing. And I think that a lot of people suffer from that, like, optimize the time.
And the joke was kind of on all of us in that respect because of the pandemic. And I chose coaching because you can change your own life and someone else's life in one conversation. And there was something about holding space for your coachee and not telling them what to do. Even in sharing a “story”, that you're really trying to tell them what to do. The training was so important to me because it really helped with the framework that we work in to give me the permission to just listen. And that, for me, is so powerful.
I mean, I've definitely had coaches who listen a little and mostly want to tell me what to do, or want to share stories. And I’m just like, “That is not what we're doing. That's not what we're doing here.” And for me, that's really, really important, is that people feel like there's a space where they are heard.
[00:11:07] LA: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I came into coach training with – Like, literally, Steph, I remember when they asked us on that – Don't mind my dog in the background here, because like it comes to a podcast recording time, and he's like, “This is when. This is when I don’t lay down and be still.” So if we hear a little bit of Jake in the background, that's okay. Because he's on every podcast, it seems like. So, whatever. Whatever, Jake. You don't know me.
[00:11:33] SK: He’s a pod dog.
[00:11:34] LA: A pod dog. A pod dog extraordinaire. But I remember that very first day of coach training, and when we were in residency. And they're like, “Why are you here?” Like they kind of asked us, “Why are you here?” And I think I actually straight up said, “I'm here to get results from my clients, or for my clients, faster, easier, and with more financial outcome.” This is like a super embarrassing thing. Like, I’m not really being a good entrepreneur in that moment. I thought I was like, “Oh, yeah. Like, I'm going to fucking get my clients everything they ever fucking wanted.” I'm going to be able to tell them what to do even faster. That's exactly –
[00:12:17] SK: We’re going to optimize this shit.
[00:12:20] LA: Oh, God. Optimize this shit. That's exactly what I thought. And within like the first hour, I think, who coached Bruce? Oh my gosh. I don't remember if it was Marge or if it was Scott. But anyway, one of them. I think it was actually Scott now that I say it.
[00:12:39] SK: Now I think so, too.
[00:12:41] LA: I hope we can like say their names.
[00:12:42] SK: I don't know. Maybe we'll take it out if not. Who coached one of our instructors? Who was it?
[00:12:48] LA: Yeah, someone. Someone coached someone. And just that first coaching experience, I won't say anything about what that experience was just for confidentiality reasons, but it was like, all of a sudden, I had an overwhelming truth entered in me that I was like, “I'm transforming.” All of a sudden, I was like, “This isn't about being faster. This isn't about making more money. This isn't about telling people what to do. This is about holding space for people.”
And it like really blew me open just in that first like hour of our training. And really, it did show me that there was, just as you said, like that kind of moment of like, “Yeah, I'm meant to do this. I'm meant to do this work.”
Because I love what you just said, Steph, which was it's a transformation for the client and you in the same conversation. I completely resonate with that. I find that my experiences with my clients are absolutely – Like I'm full of gratitude. I'm full of amazement and celebration, and like just completely grateful is the only way to put it for every single conversation I have with my clients because they are transforming. And that in turn, it's like I'm holding the mirror and then they're holding a mirror. And it's like this bouncing back and forth of energy that I've never seen any other work that I've done, which I think just speaks to the power and just the immense craft that is coaching. And I totally resonate with that. So thank you for sharing that.
You shared that maybe you went from entrepreneur and then reborn entrepreneur, to now. So I'd love to hear more about that and what that reaction looks like for you.
[00:14:43] SK: Yes. I'm so thankful, in retrospect, for the break. When I started, when we were still in school, I don't even think we finished residency, which is where we go to our face-to-face schooling before going online. I had built a website. I had done all the things. And I need business. I was already there, right? And I had named my business my name. And I was stoked. I was like, “Okay, this is great. I'm going.”
And as time went on, I started to think long game about privacy, about confidentiality, about my children and having my name sort of be the flagship of my business, Stephanie Kosty Coaching doesn't really roll off the tongue. So I had an opportunity to sort of restart. And at that point, I was fortunate enough to have enough paying clients that I could hire a designer. And so we did some brand work. And we came up with Fulcrum, which is a word that always resonated with me. And even through our sort of brand discovery VIP day that we did, ahead of redoing the logo, and the brand, and font and colors and all that stuff, I really wanted to focus on balance.
And from the clients that I had had, like the hundred and so odd hours that you end the program with, I had watched people try so hard to optimize, to work harder, work harder, work harder. And I just think this is insane. Like, this is not how we live sustainably. And I mean, maybe I mean that in an ecological sense. But in an emotional sense, that if all you're doing is working to work, and working to work better, and working to work harder, what else is there for you at the end of the day?
And so, for me, my tagline is the business of balance. And that is pretty rare in the coaching world, as far as I've seen so far. And for myself, as an entrepreneur, I need balance. I don't have the option to have a full roster of clients nine to five, and interviews and all of these things. Because if one of my kids is sick, they're the priority. And I'm going to pick them up. And same with my husband. Like we can, of course, spell things off.
But right now, in our season of parenting and child rearing, I'm the she-fault parent. And that's not a problem for me, as far as my kids are concerned. So it's really I have to be really mindful about how much I take on. And the more I talk about that and the more I talk about that truth, the more clients I get that resonate with that. And so we're not – I mean, some folks are really interested in getting results. And they really want to get these metrics. But I'm finding that less and less even with the clients that have continued on from the very beginning. And I think that speaks to the shift societally that we've gone through with the pandemic, with all the things that have happened since we started coach training.
But yeah, for me, balance is key. And balance is different for each person, right? So I've had clients who balance for them means actually adding a side hustle to start a business that is their life's calling while they have a corporate job paying the bills. Like that's adding to bring balance. And then I also have clients who need to really look at what they're doing and take away. So for each person, it's different, because executive coaching is there for what the client wants. It's not what I want. It’s not what I want for them. It’s what they want for themselves, and then we partner to get there.
[00:18:31] LA: Yeah, absolutely. And that's a big shift for me. I went from consulting to – I kind of say, I'm an entrepreneur reborn as well with coaching, because I went from consulting, where I was doing HR consulting, where I literally was being hired by small business entrepreneurs to walk in the door and fix their problems around their people stuff. They're like, “Can you just tell us what to do so we can do it and move on?” “Can you be the purveyor of the knowledge and the wisdom holder?” And I'm like, “Absolutely. I'm here for you.” And this is just like, now I know, that had its place. Of course, that had its place. And anyone who's a consultant out there, keep doing your craft. That is very much needed.
And for me, there was a bit of, I don't know, a juxtaposition, a little bit of friction, because I really wanted my clients to come up with the solutions, and then I executed them. And that couldn't really – I didn't have the skills. Like I really just didn't have the skills to help them get to what they really wanted without telling them what they really wanted. And that was a huge transition for me. And that's kind of what I heard you just say, Steph, is this kind of beauty of allowing people to decide for themselves. And in your practice, it really sounds like you are inviting clients who are – I don't want to use the word struggling, because it's not necessarily struggling, but who are grappling or who are looking at integrating balance in their life.
And I love the name Fulcrum. It brings that that view of like, “Okay, how am I going to balance this? How am I going to,” again, like you said, “add on this side and subtract on this side, or vice versa, in order to get what I want.” And I think that's just such a wonderful offering. And that kind of invites me to ask like, what is your unique genius as a coach? What is your signature presence?
[00:20:28] SK: Yeah, I think – I mean, I know that I have an ability to see what others don't in systems, and relationships, and environments. So I think that is – I mean, I know that it's the unique piece, is that people throughout my life have always been like, “Oh, I didn't see that. Or I didn't –” If I'll bring something up, and they're like, “Oh, right. Yes. I didn't even notice. I wasn't even paying attention to that thing over there.” When, for me, that was the thing that was speaking the loudest.
I don't know. I think there's something about coaching from a space that also honors the person and their experience and their body. I do a lot of like, “Okay, where's that sitting in your body?” And, yeah, I think I have an ability to really bring a kind and compassionate lens to where people are coming from, because people spend a lot of time, all of us, including myself, questioning ourselves, beating ourselves up, thinking we're not doing great. When, really, we're doing great. And sometimes, coachees just really need to have someone ask them, “Where are you doing great?” And then they get to remind themselves, “Oh, I'm actually doing great here. I'm maybe not crushing it. Maybe I'm not killing it.” A lot of my clients are really in the space of reevaluation, and looking at what used to be really important. Is that still important? Does this shoe that I'm trying to force on my foot still fit? Or do I need to get a new one?
[00:22:04] LA: Yeah, that is like definitely a theme, I think, right now “coming out a pandemic.”
[00:22:09] SK: Yeah, totally.
[00:22:11] LA: If we actually are doing that. I don't know. But if that's the case, there's like a lot of natural transition happening, a lot of natural transformation that I feel people are trying to make sense of and try to figure out where they're going. So when you think about what you offer your clients and who you are to your clients, if you could like boil it down to an essence, what would you call that essence?
[00:22:40] SK: I love that you gave me this question in advance, because I had to even look up what is your essence? What does that mean? And it was so beautiful. I was like, “Oh, that's what that means.” It's like what is your core nature? And for me, it's connectedness. It’s looking – And I mean that it's in a variety of ways. It's interconnectedness in systems, its connections between people, connections between sort of people at large and society, but also relationships like you and I are having that we have with our coachees and that they go on to have with their family members and community members. Really, that connectedness that everything we do is impacting someone else. So that's probably I think what comes up for people when they talk to me.
[00:23:33] LA: Yeah, absolutely. And I can totally feel that from you. So not that you need my mirror held up here. But I can totally feel that. Like even just the way you interact online is so fucking loving and full of joy, and not fucking bypassing. Excuse my double fuck. Now triple. But like not bypassing what's hard and also leading with love. And that to me is just like that is the definition of connection. Like that's connection to me, is just kind of taking the power of what is good, what is bad, what is hard, what is easy and putting it all together and being with it without judgment, without drama, without any more than what it actually is. Just the essence of it. I love that word essence, too, because I think it is just like what is the core? What is the true nature of you, as you said, which I think is just so beautiful? And if you would describe yourself in one word, it would kind of be – Or the essence of you in one word, it would kind of look like connected, which from the outside, not knowing you like really, really well, absolutely seems true. And I'm sure if you shared that with a best friend, or your partner, or a parent, or so on and so forth, they would probably agree. And you're nodding along. I'm seeing the nodding along. And how do you bring the essence of connectedness into your personal life?
[00:25:13] SK: That's so great. I love that question. It's funny, because I'm going to answer the opposite as I have no time for small talk and bullshit. I am more happy to sit with myself in silence than to give you an elevator pitch to not have an authentic conversation with you about anything, even just how your day is going. I am such an introvert, which is funny, because it's not about being shy. It's about how you get your energy. That, for me, the interactions that I seek out are genuine. And they come from a space of enthusiasm for wanting to be there.
And I was just talking with my coach yesterday, and we were talking about how can I be more in community before I started up Equilibrium? The group coaching program that I'm doing next month. And I was going to join a chamber, because they had some virtual mixers. I'm like, “I could probably do a Zoom mixer. This is going to be fine.”
And then they went, because in BC, our restrictions got lifted, and they're now having face-to-face. And I'm like, “I am out. I'm out. I’m out. I’m not shaking hands.” Because I don't want to talk about nothing with people. And it's not the kind of space where I can actually get into – Or at least this is my assumption and my bias about those kinds of events, where it's like, “We're not going to have a big ass conversation. So I'm going to save my gas and my time.” And for better or worse, that's who I am. And that's how connectedness comes for me, is that the connections that I make are solid.
[00:27:00] LA: Yes, authentic, real, solid. I just heard that. And how does living this way allow you to lean into your unique genius and what you offer the world?
[00:27:16] SK: I think I know that it helps me be really clear. I get a lot of signals from my body, like my gut and my head. And when I am pursuing a connection, or a relationship, or any kind of partnership that isn't connected in a way that's healthy. And I think, also, getting older and figuring out life a bit more. Just kind of like knowing – Actually, not into that. Whether it's this spring break we just had – I decided I'm not a skiing person. And so my husband and I took the kids up to our local ski hill. And we took separate cars. And I stayed at the hotel with the dog. He took the kids up the mountain. And it's really that connectedness that like, even though I wasn't with them to share that experience, I was in a better space to be with them when they came back, because I wasn't forcing myself into this shoe that doesn't fit anymore.
And the authenticity of that conversation and the effortlessness that, like for that example, when I talked with my husband about, I was like, “Hey, is this okay? And I want to take two cars.” He's like, “Great.” Because the energy around it wasn't weird. I wasn't conflicted. I was just like, “Hey, this would work better for me.” And he's like, “That works best for me, too.”
And the more sort of confirmation I have about those kind of interactions and the way when I'm actually doing what's best for me from my gut, it actually is better for everyone around me. And that has shown up in my business, too. I mean, I've had moments over the last few months where I'm like – I think I messaged you on like, “What are we actually fucking doing?” Like, what am I doing?
And yes, I'm a coach. And yes, I have so many scaffold supports to get me through those hard moments. I still have them. And then I was like, “Oh, I don't have to know all the things. I am actually a brand-new beginner business person who has had a fully functioning business for two months. So let's just bring the expectations down to a regular level.”
Yeah. So I think – Yeah, it's easier for me to live from that space than to try to be everything to everybody, and to pursue friendships that I don't want, and to pursue business partnerships that aren't a good mix because they would pay enormously. I'm privileged to not be the main income earner yet in our house. So I have that flexibility to be able to say, “Yes, this is a great fit for me and my values and for the other person,” rather than having to take on stuff that I regret later.
[00:30:02] LA: Yeah, absolutely. What I just heard you say is honoring what real connection looks like allows you to live the life that you really want to live.
[00:30:13] SK: That’s right. Yeah. Nice. Thank you for distilling that into a sentence.
[00:30:18] LA: It's my job, baby.
[00:30:19] SK: Yeah, good job. Good job. Yeah. Nice.
[00:30:22] LA: So, you know what? Steph, what I'm super curious about – And just because you're a coach. Very curious about how do you know that your clients are a good fit? Like, what's your process? Maybe I won't be so deliberate. But what's your process in signing a client? And how do you know that they're the right fit for Fulcrum?
[00:30:46] SK: Yeah, that's a great question. I mean, it starts at the top of the relationship, which usually is through social media, website, or referral. So the majority of my clients come through referrals of previous clients. So there's already sort of an intrinsic match made there by association a little bit. And then I'm really straight up about the process.
There is no – I don't know. We talked about this in coach training, like this myth of like the magic process. And when we talk about, in our sessions, the way that I work in that we were trained, is that we go for a topic. We're going for a topic of the day. And unless we get that topic, to give us a direction, we're just having a nice conversation.
And I don't hold that process back from my clients. I tell them, “Okay, this is how the process works. This is how coaching works with me. And this is how I was trained. And I really believe that this is the best way to get what you need.” So there's no surprises for them. There's no surprises for them that I am not going to tell them what to do. That I am not in a mentorship role. I'm not in a consultancy role. If those are the people you want, you maybe don't want coaching, or maybe you want a variety of different people supporting your goals. Coaching is one of them. But this is what you're going to get out of coaching, because it's a little bit narrow, but it goes very deep, the process.
So there's that piece. There's just being open about how it works and what it looks like. And then I don't – I do packages, but I don't make people sign up for long periods of time, like in a contracting sense. They can buy packages if they know they want to have multiple sessions and just save some money that way. But I think about – Like if I had to have my naturopath on a retainer, and I had to give them $3,000 upfront, that would not be attainable for me. And that doesn't go with the value of my business, which is balance. And for some folks, that's not a big deal. And those are the people who prepay for further sessions and get a bit of a discount that way. So I offer flexibility.
And so when people look at the whole package of Fulcrum, it's kind of obvious from the get go that that's my vibe. And then people can either book a discovery conversation if they want. But I'm finding more and more that the discussions come on through DMs and Instagram, through emails, like through word of mouth, that some clients are just jumping right into their first session. And that's fine. So we have an agreement. I know that they're coming because of my scheduling system, and I can send them the coaching contract that talks about confidentiality and all that stuff.
But yeah, I do things a little bit differently. And that was part of what I loved about listening to the pod with you and your sister on it was that I’m like, “Okay, yes, I want to do this differently. And other people are doing their businesses differently, too.” And I’m like, “Okay, this is great.” Not that I needed that confirmation. But it's just nice to know that I'm not the freak out there, right?
[00:34:03] LA: Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
[00:34:04] SK: And that there's a different way of doing things. There's a different way.
[00:34:10] LA: Your way.
[00:34:11] SK: Right? It's my way. And if that works for you, then it's really going to work. And of course, there is privilege being baked in there because I'm not the main income earner that I have the ability to be flexible. So there's that, too.
[00:34:25] LA: Yeah, absolutely. Like I've said in a couple episodes as well that like there's a lot of privilege in being a white woman in Canada. Like, absolutely. And it always gets woven into. But this is our lived reality as well. So when we're speaking on our experiences, we're coming from that perspective. But we do not know that that privilege exists. So I appreciate you saying that.
Yeah. And what are your clients experiencing with you? What are they experiencing with you? What is their transformation look like with you?
[00:35:01] SK: It’s so funny. The one word that washed over me was relief. I have a variety of clients. I don't just work with creatives or with people from corporate. I have a wide variety of people from all over the place, genders, vocations. And what they get from me – And when they leave the session, they always say, “I just feel so much better.” It's like we're able to – In conversation. And again, because each one is different and completely tailored for the person who you're speaking with, or that I'm coaching. What they come away with is a sense of like calm and relief. And they've uncovered for themselves how to make their experience work for them. And there is a relief in that when you can figure out with a coach's questions how my life can just be better. And I don't mean that in a hustle, optimized way. I just mean like more livable. And for some folks, just livable. And for other people, it's really following their dreams and following that side hustle that they've always wanted to do. And that gives them joy and a feeling of accomplishment. And that there's a relief in that, too, that that seed that always wanted to bloom was fully able to do that through coaching. That it would have just been an unrequited dream festering away in there that doesn't have to.
[00:36:47] LA: Oh my God. Yes. Oh! That just sounds so butter and so, so, so sweet. Yeah. I love, I love how you just put the cherry on top with that and said where it might not have bloomed. Like a bloom where there might not have been a bloom. And like, hell, yeah, that is coaching. It's like the beauty of allowing that beautiful bloom to show. And it's all within our clients. It's like I constantly have clients being like, “Oh, my God, thank you so much.” And like relief is totally a great word. And, “Thank you so much.” And I'm like, “Girl, or guy, you did it. You did it. You did all the work. I was just authentically actually just quite curious as to how you might come on the other side of this. But you did. You did all the work.”
[00:37:41] SK: Yeah. Yeah, and it's so weird, right? Because as coaches – I mean, I would imagine with any other vocation where what you're dealing with is confidential. It's we hold so much of these people's lives in our hearts and in our minds. And all we can talk about is generalities. And I find that's so interesting, because when you think about, “What are your clients really get from you?” If you're able to distill it down to one word, that's kind of your essence, too, right? It's like that’s how I'm showing up or how you're showing up in your practice, is it if someone gets relief from your practice. Maybe you're the balm for what's going on for them.
[00:38:26] LA: Right. Right. Like there's something really cathartic and beautiful about that. Just walk it, like a good old Ram Dass, we'll just throw them into the mix. But like walking each other home, like that's how I really see the coaching relationship, is just we're all walking each other home. And I just happened to be the person holding your hand in this moment. But you're walking with me just as much as I'm walking with you. I kind of like to say that with my clients as well.
And like, how has being an entrepreneur, and a mom, and a coach, and all those roles that you said at the beginning, how have you balanced it all? Like how do you turn the coaching back on yourself and encourage yourself to balance all of these wonderful roles in your life?
[00:39:15] SK: Yeah, great question. I think I've said that to all your questions, great question.
[00:39:20] LA: I say that to my coach, too.
[00:39:22] SK: I’m like, “Wow! That’s a great question.” Gosh! It’s a good one. Okay. So, like, practically, I have always had coaches. So like my group team, my triad, so our group of three that we started with, we have continued coaching for the last two years. We meet once a month. I also take advantage of peer coaching when it's available. Gosh! Therapy. Knowing when I just need to take a minute. And I know that I need to take a minute when my brain is in overdrive and I'm like working on Canva at 2am. That's not good.
Excuse me. But, really, my kids come first. And so really that has been a guiding – I don't know. I don't know if it's a constraint, or a guiding principle, or light, or however you want to put it. But they're young enough that when they're home sick, they physically need someone else with them. And when we're going through as much as we're going through, trying to explain how a pandemic works, oh, and then a war, oh, and then occupation, oh, and then major racial injustices and all the things, right? Like, you have to be there for them. And so, for me, it's been – I don't know. That's kind of my foundation. I'm not sure if I'm answering your question.
[00:40:52] LA: You are. You are answering it. And what I heard you say is how you balance all of those roles. And what makes it work for you is by prioritizing what really matters. And it sounds like what –
[00:41:07] SK: Yeah. And getting help. Yeah, getting help when you need it. Yes.
[00:41:10] SK: Yes, and getting some help. Yes. I am all about it, too. Like getting help when you need it. I've had coaches for years as well. I have a steady therapist as well. And it's like those things create – What did I say the other day? Mental toughness. Those things create mental toughness so that you can balance what truly is important, which, like you said, is your kids. But it's hard to put what's really important in front of you if you don't have the mental toughness in order to do so. It's actually almost easier to like let yourself stay up until 2am. It's easier to let that happen than it is to say, “No, this is not for me. This is not in service of me. This is not what aligns with what's most important.” And I just want to celebrate you in that. Like it takes a lot to say no. I take a lot to say no. It takes a lot to ask for help. It takes a lot to be a mom in this crazy world that we're in and explaining to the young kids about all those important things that you just mentioned. And yeah, like I said, I applaud you for that and celebrate from one mom to another how difficult and rewarding, how difficult and rewarding that is. And it allows for the space to do your work and do what's important. Not that your work isn't important. It is very important. I say that, too, that my clients are very, very, very important. And nothing comes in front of my kids. Nothing. And so you kind of have to make choices. You have to align yourself in a way that makes sense.
And you said, like you've built your business in a way that you can do that. And that's what good entrepreneurship is about is – Or, to me, that's what good entrepreneurship is about, is aligning yourself with your business in order to let it succeed. If you are in a hustle state of mind where you're just going to give everything you possibly can to the success of your business, something else is going to fall off. There has to be kind of a trust in the universe that things will happen in a way that makes sense. And a trust in yourself that you'll be able to execute on those things.
Yeah, I think that we could all take a lesson from that we could all take a lesson and kind of looking at everything a little bit subjectively and kind of reordering things in the order of importance versus the order of urgency, which I know I get pulled into a lot, is like, “Well, this is urgent. Well, is it as important as X, Y, Z?” I think about that a lot, and how that how those pieces kind of align.
[00:43:58] SK: Well, and to pick up that thread, it's so interesting, because my eldest is 12, my youngest is seven. And so there's also a piece in there about when people ask me, “Okay, what's your most important thing? What's foundational to you? My default setting is to say my kids. And the thing that I'm sort of discovering – And I don't know whether it's the age of my kids or my age, whatever, is that if I also don't know who I am? What I need? Who is Steph as a person independent of being a mother, and a wife, and a friend? What brings me joy? That that is sort of my – It's like maybe this is some middle life bullshit, but like this is my sort of greatest next hurdle, is figuring that stuff out, and equity in our home.
So for me, another one of the tools, the only way I could make this happen is that my husband and I had to completely dismantle and reform what equity looks like in our house in order for me to succeed with my business. And that that process has been really eye opening in how much I would take on by default, how much I would take on because I was, “Well, I am the woman. I am the mom.” And we've started to break that system down. The question that came out of the process that we used is like, “Who are you in your essence? What makes you – What do you want to spend time doing that makes you a happier, better version of yourself?” And that stopped me dead in my tracks because I didn't have an immediate answer. I still don't have an immediate answer for that. Is that I'm just like, “Who the fuck? Who am I?”
And I think that sort of getting clear on that, in my experience as a mom, that part has come last, last, last. Like, I don't know. What's further than last? That's where it is. And yeah, I think that is also part of like the high-functioning, I can do everything lifestyle, and then it becomes a pattern. And then other people build their lives around how much capacity you have, and how much weight you can take off of their plate.
[00:46:45] LA: Oh, god, yeah.
[00:46:48] SK: And then at the end of the day, you're kind of like, “Oh, shit.” Someone asks, “Who are you?” And you can't answer that question. I mean, that's the work of maybe the next decade, I guess.
[00:47:00] LA: Oh, that hits. It hit different, girl. It's so true. It's so true. Not just for you and for me. Like I was just saying a moment ago. Like this is the bond of mothers. Mothers talking to other mothers. But there's almost like – Like I'm sure you've heard the term, or maybe not, but like invisible labor.
[00:47:26] SK: Oh my gosh, yes.
[00:47:28] SK: Where it's like you just get the Easter baskets done. You just get the present for the birthday party. You just make sure the winter mittens have been stored properly, washed and put away for next year. Things like that are. And I might be saying things that your partner does. But that's not on your ticker then. Like that's not on your automatic default. But there is a list of automatic things that just happen, and it's invisible labor. It's completely undiscussed, un-talked about. And it just happens. Like the appointments get booked and the – Etc., etc. I could just go on and on and on. And is that what you mean by equity? Like, did you make the invisible labor visible with your partner?
[00:48:16] SK: Mm-hmm.
[00:48:17] LA: Wow.
[00:48:18] SK: We tried. Before I went back to school, in the coaching program, I was working, I don't know, just part time. But somehow – I don't know. It seemed like a lot. And I was also doing all the other things. So I did all of my default parenting, default stay-at-home parent stuff, all of that invisible labor, and then got a job. And my husband didn't have to take a day off. Like I still did school pickup and drop off. And it just happened, which is really interesting in a very unconscious, and, I mean, not being conscious about what system is now working in your home.
And we had a conversation a few months ago. He's like, “Well, how do you want to start up your business.” And I was like, “Dude, I'm not starting a business unless it's treated as a business that I go to work to. And I can't actually do all the things that I'm doing unless shit changes here.” And he was like, “Right.” Like he was into it.
And so I started literally just Googling like equity at home. And I ended up coming across this survey from the Netherlands, of course.
[00:49:37] LA: Yes, they know.
[00:49:39] SK: They know. The Norse people are so evolved. And it was this inventory that the person who worked outside the house got one line item, and the person who worked inside the home, whether male or female, whatever. It didn’t matter. The list of invisible work was enormous. I could have added things on in our context. And then I ended up finding a book called Fair Play by a woman named Eve Rodsky.
[00:50:10] LA: Yes. I’ll link it in the show notes. I’ve heard this book.
[00:50:12] SK: Yes, please. Because, seriously, this has changed our life in a functional sense, but also in an emotional sense, in a relational sense, is that the work is now equal. Every hour is equal. So if I'm working in my job from the minute that kids get on the school bus to when they come home, those hours are as equal and as important and valuable as the hours that my husband is working for another person.
And we had some really interesting conversations about – “He's like, “Well, you can choose whatever you want to do in the day.” And I was like, “Dude, so can you. You have a boss. You have a team to help you do all the things. I just have me.” And my husband is a great guy. And he's very supportive and interested. And the system that we ended up creating wasn't by design. It was totally by default. It was like a slow erosion of self for me, probably for him, too. I’d let him speak to that. And then all of a sudden, I looked up one day, and he's like, “Well, when are you going to start your business?” And I was like, “There's no fucking way.”
[00:51:32] LA: It's like toxic autopilot. That's what I just heard you say.
[00:51:36] SK: Yeah. Where it just evolves. And one time, putting away the winter clothes. It’s just like all the things. And so that system has helped us immensely. We just traded cards a couple days ago, and we're even just feeling like the growing pains of like, “Okay, now I'm not on dinners anymore. I'm on something else. But what does that free up to me to do when I don't have to do bedtimes?”
And the premise of that system is that you are responsible for your tasks, from conception to execution. And you do the whole thing. Like unless something happens and the system breaks down, someone gets sick, or whatever, you do it. And whether that's hiring someone else to help you. But you don't go to your partner to get it done. It has revolutionized how we live. It's made it so I can actually run a business. And so we both know what the other person is doing and what they're responsible for, and what that's like.
[00:52:43] LA: Do you mind if I give you an observation that I'm hearing you?
[00:52:46] SK: Yeah.
[00:52:47] LA: Like, this story is so amazing. I think anyone listening to that would benefit from hearing like there's options. It's not just toxic auto pilot. There's more. There're more options out there. But the observation I wanted to make, Steph, is that your essence, your unique genius, the beauty that you bring into the world is being connected. And when you're in – I'm sorry. I'm using my word so much. But toxic autopilot in your system in your home, that's not connected. No wonder there was – When your partner asked that question and you're like, “I can't do that. I can't start a business.” Because you don't have your essence showing. Your essence is not showing.
And when you can have those real, meaningful connections, and even with your partner, you created a more meaningful connection that allowed your essence to shine. And I just wanted to tell you that that's what I'm hearing, is that you took your unique genius and applied it in a way that opened up a whole new set of opportunities for you and your family, which I just think is bravo. Like that is so amazing.
[00:54:02] SK: Thank you. Yeah, it's sort of – I mean, in a way, it's like the superpower and maybe the Achilles heel of being me, is that iteration is always possible. Process improvement is always possible. And I think – And growth is always possible. And that for me is how I want to live. How I want my kids to see things happening. That when they see that things are not doing well, and the parents are acting weird, that we don't just leave it like that. That we look for opportunities to grow and do better and improve, which brings us back to being happier humans.
[00:54:45] LA: All of you, which is just like that's what a family is. Like all of us operating in a way that is the best way for each of us and collectively. And that's why it's so hard, because there's so much there. And that just sounds like such an amazing transformation. And like I know you can't really speak for your partner, but how has his life changed since bringing this on?
[00:55:13] SK: I'd say it's harder. I'd say it's harder. He's just taking on more. He's had to take on more. And I think whenever you change the foundation of a system, there are growing pains, especially when there is an equity at play. That when you start to balance out, you find that fulcrum point. You start to balance it out. And the scale slides way over to the other direction to make it equal. That has a huge impact on the person that used to be on – I don't know. Whatever, the short side or the long side of that balance is, right?
But also, I hope that his life with me is better. That I am better. I know that I'm a better person, because I don't have the weight of our literal world on my shoulders and alone together, right? Like, we're together. But I was doing it alone. And I didn't want to. And it was – Yeah, it was just that landslide that happen one stone at a time.
[00:56:34] LA: Yeah, absolutely. And it would be hard. It would be hard to like – No matter which of you, I think that process would be hard. But you did it.
[00:56:45] SK: Yeah. Well, and it helps you to really – Sorry to interrupt you. It helps you to realize what's actually important, because there are only so many hours in a day. So if even two people can't get kids to six activities, we don't need to be doing six activities then. Maybe a two-activity child is just fine, or whatever. Like you start to look at the whole system. And when two people can't fully manage it, like, no kidding, one person is losing their shit and feeling resent, or all the feelings that people feel when there's inequity in a system. Yeah, no wonder.
[00:57:24] LA: So if you were to give advice, which I know we're trying not to do. But you’re not the coach in this.
[00:57:30] SK: Since I'm not coaching.
[00:57:31] LA: Since you're not coaching. If you were to give advice to a partnership, or a family, or whatever, insert whatever dynamic here, that's going through a process of inequity and trying to work through that, what advice would you give?
[00:57:46] SK: I think, I mean, I can really only speak from my experience in this inequity. And I mean, it's so interesting, right? Because what we have in our house at play is really – It's only gender and earning. Otherwise, we're equal in all respects. So we don't have as complex of a situation as many people. But for me, I had to keep trying. Because I think for my husband being on the other side of that, “My life is going along great. What is your problem? No. I don't want to take more things on.” It wasn't something that we just sat down with one day and fixed in a day. It was multiple conversations. And I would say – I mean, gosh, I think about like parents who are just starting out, or even people who have no kids like. This doesn't have to be a parent thing. It's just when there's a dynamic between two people that is imbalanced and you want to be with that person, and they still want to be with you, that there's a commitment there to being in partnership, is that, for me, it really was helpful to have a framework. So that the Fair Play book system, but even just finding that list online. But that didn't give us the what now. It just gave us the fact, that data that I already had.
[00:59:12] LA: Right. You knew what was going on.
[00:59:13] SK: That someone had nicely – Right? Someone had put it in a nice spreadsheet. Well, that's great. But it's not reinforcing the fact that everybody's time is equal. And that just because I am not working outside the house doesn't mean that my hours aren't as worthy as someone else's. Yeah.
So I mean, always look at the system you're about to build with somebody with intention. It's sort of like if I were to marry my husband again, we’d go to therapy first, right? Like we go first. Build a system with intention, right? Yeah. And that it's not too late. It's not too late. Like we're sort of – I don't know. Maybe a third of the way through childbearing. I don't know when it ends or how that works. I think it's never.
[01:00:02] LA: We'll see. I was going to say, we’ll see when we get there. Please let us know.
[01:00:04] SK: Right? I don't really know. But it's not too late to try new things. Just try new things. And the system wasn't built in a day. It's not dismantled and rebuilt in a day.
[01:00:20] LA: Yeah. You're saying kind of almost like be brave and be patient.
[01:00:28] SK: Yes. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, absolutely.
[01:00:30] LA: It takes time.
[01:00:31] SK: Yeah, it takes time.
[01:00:33] LA: And it's like I can feel compassion for your partner and mine. Like I can totally see how this is like – You had a beautiful analogy, when it's like a landslide all of a sudden. We're at the bottom of the landslide. But it really only happened one pebble at a time.
[01:00:49] SK: That's right. But for him, it was a full-on landslide.
[01:00:52] LA: Right. Yeah. So yeah, that's what I mean. What happened in our time today? What was the experience like for you?
[01:01:01] SK: Oh! It’s so great. So fun to just connect, because we've been connecting online for months now. And to actually see your face and hear your voice real-time, synchronous. And really such I mean, really such a privilege and an honor for me. The listeners don't know that I was listening to the We Can Do Hard Things podcast by Glennon Doyle. And she was talking about casting a person to play her an upcoming show. And she really wanted – Or Sarah Pauly. She really wanted Sarah Pauly to play her. And so she wrote her this email that was like sweaty and like weird –
[01:01:38] LA: Yes. I listened to that episode.
[01:01:39] SK: And I was just like, “This is how I feel about these podcasts.”
[01:01:43] LA: Oh, my gosh.
[01:01:45] SK: I wanted to do it so bad. I was like, “Okay. The worst thing that's going to happen is she’s either going to not respond, or she's going to say no. And then your response was like, “Yes!”
[01:01:58] LA: My response is, “Hell, yes.”
[01:02:00] SK: Yeah. Like it was a little bit like, “Oh!” Like a dream come true moment. And, yeah, I mean, it's my first podcast recording. So hopefully it goes well. And yeah, I think these conversations are so important when we share stories and we share what's really happening for ourselves and how that impacts us. Other people learn and grow from that. And that supports connectedness. And it supports people's ability to make good choices and to change the things that aren't working. And that sort of fits in with coaching. But also, it just fits in with being a human. So it's been a really nice experience for me.
[01:02:46] LA: Oh, I'm so grateful. And like, ditto. 1,000% ditto. When you said you were interested, I was like, “Oh, the heavens shining down.”. And it goes without saying. And especially for the listeners, they don't see all our conversations that we've been having online. But we are kindred, absolutely. We have very similar ways, very similar ways of showing up. And that's awesome. I think that's great. I think it's awesome to find people who are kind of on the same wavelength as you but are totally different. Like, we're not only different provinces. Different, like different lives. Come from different places. And where we can still find like a connected, just bond, I think is just really beautiful. And, yeah. And another thing too, Steph, is like I said this on our message yesterday, but like you're so supportive. You're such a supportive person. Like you always answer my polls. You always like my stuff. You always share. And you know, I'm speaking directly around Instagram. But like, that shit matters.
[01:04:00] SK: It matters.
[01:04:00] LA: Yes.
[01:04:01] SK: It matters.
[01:04:02] LA: It certainly does. And we're both like new entrepreneurs that are trying to make our coaching practice serve people. And I really am grateful. And it's such an honor to have other people share your power and your unique genius. And that's why I wanted you on the podcast, is because your power and unique genius is so special. And I know the listeners are just going to love hearing your stories and connecting with your why and your essence.
And my parting comment really is you said, “I'm still for working out who I am. I'm still working that piece out.” And I just encourage you to listen back to your episode and hear you, the you that showed up, because you're just so authentic and so wonderful. And I just wish you the greatest success in that journey, and the journey with your business, and the journey with equity in your family. Like, that's all – Like you just gave us so many beautiful stories.
So, thank you so much for being here. I cannot wait to keep our connection going. And I'm sure I'll have you back again. Like it's a no-brainer, I think. I feel happy if you'll have the microphone unplugging, and the dog, and the this, and the that, and whatever, all those things. But that's just makes it real, because we're just real people just chatting.
So I'm so grateful, Steph. Thank you so much for coming. Listeners, you can find Steph online, on Instagram, her website. I'm going t o link all of that in the show notes. And please go follow her. Please go find her. Please go hire her. Go get yourself a fantastic coach. She would be happy to connect with you, I'm sure. And good luck in everything you do, Steph.
[01:05:48] SK: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.
[01:05:51] LA: Thank you. Bye-bye.
[OUTRO]
[00:27:51] LA: Thank you for being here with me. If you loved this episode of Positively Charged, please rate and review wherever you get your podcasts. If you could benefit from illuminating your own personal power, please contact me to get a free coaching consultation. Stay positively charged, my friends.
[END]