Boundaries 101
I've been thinking a lot about boundaries lately and how much they can impact our ability to fully serve ourselves. What about the difficult task of setting boundaries within our calendars? Our physical spaces? Our finances? The ability to say no and set limits can be very difficult for most of us and something I've learned over the years is that it is a PRACTICE. It's not something we'll get right 100% of the time, so go easy on yourself and take it one step at a time. Below I outline what boundaries are and how we may incorporate them into our lives to live in alignment with what we really want.
What are Boundaries?
A leading voice on boundaries in our time is Terri Cole. She released her book Boundary Boss in 2021. Her paraphrased definition of boundaries is: knowing your preferences, desires, limits and deal breakers while communicating them effectively in all relationships. Damn. If we all did that, how much happier, fulfilled and successful would we be?
I absolutely love the direct and clear nature of this definition from "Why Personal Boundaries are Important and How to Set Them" on the PsychCentral website; "Personal boundaries are simply the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others."
From these two definitions it is clear that knowing what we need and communicating for our optimal comfort and care are essential elements to having successful boundaries.
What are the Benefits of Boundaries?
According to Sahar Andrade on Forbes.com, "Setting healthy boundaries is part of self-care and self-respect and should help form the base of your own personal leadership. It is being assertive without the need for being aggressive. Healthy boundaries can help you define your uniqueness and your core. Saying no assertively to a new commitment means you are honoring your existing ones. Boundaries are not just about getting what you want. It's about you getting to live your life on your own terms."
This sentiment truly speaks to my values as a coach, illuminating our power, up-levelling our lives, living life on our own terms. Using strong boundaries will protect yourself from distraction, disillusion and the stuff that is not in alignment with you so you can immerse yourself in the shit that really matters.
Lindsay's Tips to Setting Solid Boundaries
1. Know what you need for optimal comfort and care. Get clear what optimal care means for you in your life. This is a big one. It could take a while to get clear, you may need support in getting clear. What I would do is start by journaling on the following question:
Where am I disappointing myself in my life for someone else’s benefit?
Who is benefiting from me betraying myself and why?
Where am I making others the first priority and leaving myself behind?
Where are my needs not being met in my life?
2. Forgive yourself for boundaries you never asserted. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. Now that you are showing yourself the awareness you deserve you can forgive yourself for past self-betrayals.
3. Forgive others for boundaries crossed you never asserted. They don’t know how you feel – their lack of awareness is not lack of care; it is your lack of communication.
4. Communicate newly formed boundaries. When a situation comes up, simply say “I have decided I will now be doing …” or “I have changed my mind about …”
5. Communicate discomfort. If you find your boundaries are being crossed, be assertive but kind about sharing where your lines are drawn. Simply saying “… [that] isn’t in alignment for me at this time”. Some phrases in different situations can be found here. When conversations are uncomfortable, sometimes we want to say “sorry”. Saying “sorry” is not needed when asserting your boundaries. Every time you are tempted to say “sorry”, say “thank you” instead.
6. Say no. I encourage you to say no when you know that it will serve you best. Apply this to all areas of your life: physical, financial, relationships, etc. Ask yourself, "am I betraying myself if I say ‘yes’/’no’?”. In her book, Untamed, Glennon Doyle says: “When we restore the boundary that was violated, we honor ourselves.”
7. Master your time. Become the master, owner, operator, curator and El Presidente of your time. Aside from the "must-dos", are all of your plans ones that will serve you? Are there any that can be rescheduled to a less busy week? What are you doing this week that you do not want to do, and you do not have to do? Schedule time to assess your time.
8. Set physical boundaries for things. It's been proven that a tidy home or office can give us mental clarity. Have dedicated spots for the physical items in your home and set limits on how many items you can have in the space where you keep those items. If you need organization inspiration I love the Home Edit on Netflix, or you could dive into Marie Kondo’s work. I found a great article on mental health and cleanliness click here to check it out.
9. Write it down. Struggling with where to draw the line? Make a list of three times you felt your boundaries were crossed. What boundary would you like to set for the next time you are in that situation?
10. Be flexible with yourself. Monday might be your high energy social day and you will want to load up the calendar that day! By Thursday you might be exhausted and want to cancel your entire weekend's plans... Boundaries are not hard and fast rules and they will change based on your mood, energy level, needs and wants. Go with the flow and FEEL out what you want that day.
11. Accountability check in with Self. Setting boundaries is all about self-awareness. Check in with yourself regularly and see how you're feeling. Are your needs being met? Are your boundaries set in line with what serves you? Evaluate this regularly.
12. Accountability check in with another human. You may consider an accountability partner to support you in your boundary journey? Someone you know and trust to chat with when you don’t hold a boundary. Someone who you can high five when you really appoint yourself in a hard situation. Identify who that may be for you.
How Coaching Can Help
Ok shameless self-promotion: hiring a coach can help with setting boundaries in work, life and with key relationships in your life. If you need/want support for tackling this in your, call me.
This article was co-written by Lindsay Austin and Catherine Swancoat - property of Coaching By LA © 2022